Remembering Who Iam

Today I am thinking about things I have to be grateful for in my life.

I have been deeply depressed for a month. I spent many of my days in bed. I am really seeing light again today, especially when you find old friends who remind you of you were once before. The most important fact is they still see you as that person and it is who you are even today. Sure, we are all worn and have tread marks where the freight car ran us over while we were chasing anything but true dreams.

The next moment happens. You walk into your room see the bed with body image mashed into it for the past month and you simply say, enough. You pick yourself up and you smile because someone spoke to your heart; that was enough to make you understand your dreams have not died.

No one has to share your views or ideas to show they care. No one has to agree with you for you to show the same respect and care back. That’s called love.

The Five Promises

I promise to put forth the effort to do better tomorrow than I did today.

I promise to remember who I am

I promise to not give up on my dreams.

I promise to take interest in the next person who crosses my path.

I promise to love with all that’s in me.

I am grateful for family and friends. They never let you forget who you are!

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Making Yourself a Priority

One of the things that keeps coming up for me is making myself, a priority. It is very hard to make myself a priority, when I have people talking in both ears while I am in the middle of making other things come through that needed to be done yesterday (or so someone said so).

I canceled plans to do my regular rental car. This was done so that I could pay a little less for using someone’s car for a few days rather than just twenty four hours. When that did not come through I had to reschedule an appointment.

Immediately, I did become the priority. I am not waiting for anyone to make me a priority. For anyone to say I am paying too much on a rental is crazy to listen to. It’s not like I am renting an SUV or sports car, just a simple sedan that beats paying the price of a cab. Just to get it all done is key.

So I am not listening to empty promises or others that say they only have my best interest at heart when I have to miss an appointment over it. I have transportation for the appointment I rescheduled and I won’t rent a car this time because for this time I was able to arrange an agency to pick me up.

I am working on long range transportation so maybe I can cut in half renting a car. I cannot own a car at this point because I cannot afford to register it, maintenance, and what if the engine or transmission falls out going down the road. Financially that would be irresponsible. It’s much easier to have someone else worry about that and all I do is pay insurance for the days I have a car which they provide.

Some days I think it’s a lot like going out on your own for the first time. You make plans while you live pretty cushy in your parents’ home and then reality hits when you get out on your own; no one else is paying the power bill or picking up the gallon of milk you forgot. Even if they said they would.

You might think this sounds angry. It is not intended with bitterness or anger. It’s just a fact that you to have to think about you and make yourself a priority. No one will do that for you. It is not selfish to make yourself a priority. What’s selfish and futile, is waiting for someone else to do it.

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2015 – Renewed

I was riding in a cab today and the cabbie asked if I had just received Jesus. He remembered me from previous rides. I said its not like that. He remembered my long hair and beard. I said its simply too hot for me to have long hair. I knew it was a sarcastic question; so no you don’t just open up your whole life and beliefs on someone. There’s a time and place for everything.

I think its important to have your life totally consecrated before you start spouting off how much you love Jesus. However, posting scripture is edifying for everyone who believes, glorifies God, and reminds us how much we are loved. I mean really, going through a day just in our thought lives alone; isn’t it hard  to believe how much we are loved?

But yet we are loved.  Love is hard at times but comes easy from God.

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Things I want To Remember

The Service at Church today was wonderful. The message was geared towards all members in the sense of Mother’s Day and how we act and react is sending a message to each child whether we have children or not, we are all responsible.

My nephew is graduating this month and I am proud of him.

Planting flowers and wishing my mom, grandma, and all mothers happy Mother’s Day.

My mom praying for me today.

I am working on making better choices and letting go of the invisible chains that felt so tight.

Embracing what I can a moment at a time.

Less is more!

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Renewed: Anger Frustration Irritability and Gratitude

Its been a bit again. I am dealing with a lot physically. I am frustrated because when you have a full plate, you don’t get to do things all wrapped in a box with a bow on it.

I am ready to scream again because I am doing everything I can to survive and its too dang bad if people don’t understand that. Yes, I am angry a bit. Its a natural emotion and to shy away from it means you are confronting anything in your life. I do have a lot to be grateful for!

The struggle of sleep and diet will make anyone irritable. Then there’s real life outside that: doctors, nurses, landlords, fellow tenants and always mountains of paper work. That isn’t to say everyone else doesn’t face the same things. Its really hard spiritually when you are down and cannot participate and be at least a little bit happy to be involved in life outside the house without it being a dang appointment.

My long lasting ride gave out about a month ago or more. It’s okay, I learned I could rent a car and get myself there. This month I am renting a car for 2 days starting tomorrow. Its cheaper than taking a cab to St Anthony’s on such short notice….originally my appointment wasn’t until next week. That changed with a hematoma on my shin. A week ago I was taken by ambulance to St Anthony’s for the hematoma.

I am grateful to be more self sufficient in ways I was not sure if possible. I am grateful for a roof over my head, a bed to sleep on, and the fridge isn’t totally empty. I am grateful for relearning less is more. I am grateful  I get the chance to move forward and express my anger and irritability. I am grateful for family and friends who are just there; but just because I haven’t seen or talked to you in a couple of years, doesn’t mean I have forgotten you or find you less than supportive. Life just is, sometimes.

Dear Lord, I come to you and I ask that you help me deal with the anger,frustration, irritability, and disorganization. Thank you for gratitude in my heart. I lift up each of my friends and family that you would be there for them in each thing they may face. Be with them in good,bad, and indifferent times.

Thank you for your love, favor, and grace. Thank you that your mercies are new every morning and thank you for lifting our burdens at night. Thank you for healing and all you do and have done.

In the Name of the Father Who Parents us and our Creator of all, Jesus Our friend Savior , and Redeemer, The Holy Spirit who leads, guides, and lives right inside us Amen-

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When You Face a Challenge…

Probably, one of the hardest things for a blogger to do is to keep blogging when life is most challenging. I am slowly coming out of the brush piled on top of me. But some of the brush piled on top came from indecision. I hate having to make decisions. I hate confrontation of any kind. I hate ending up being the bad guy.

I am hoping I will have proven that things are running in this house cost efficient and professionally done while making a majority happy. The hardest part is when you have done everything efficiently and no one is happy and everyone is determined to make you as unhappy as they happen to be.

However, I think finally will  have at least in part,  made everyone happy on some level.  A lot less work for some. A new appliance for one who has literally waited 6 months for it to be replaced. The majority of the house here not having to deal with someone who comes in day in day out to save a few dollars for what can be done in one day that would take him a month to do. Possibly even upsetting the house as we are slowly back on an even keel.

It takes a lot more to run a house and get everyone on board with the same game plan, than I ever realized. I am sure this is where the saying came from it’s a lot easier to apologize than ask for permission. I just have to learn to confront my personal life challenges the same way. Just do it!

Getting back to church this week has been good. Its made me stop and think and also a few regrets; but really its all about getting it done and moving on.

I am going to be just fine. God’s got this. Hang on! and Lets Go!!!

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Things You Will Probably Never Say,That I Have Had to Say…

1. No Ma’am there’s not a discount on the dollar buckets just because you buy 10
2. Each bucket comes with one handle sir, I am not trying to cheat you
3. It is 11pm at night, but sure come on and get some buckets; I can’t sleep anyway.
4. Yes sir I should be nicer to my driver and pay him enough to get a half way decent phone
5. This is the end of the buckets we will try to get more.
6. Yes they do come with sealable lids with seal in the lids.
7. I don’t know if 200 can fit in your minivan or not, really?
8. You’re coming from Rolla? Just bring 44 in to exit 277B.
9. I am one Block away from the police station and 2 blocks from Amtrak
10. I have no guarantees about the jalapeno smell

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