Its been several days since I have last written here.
Sometimes I feel so much to say and then also feel its fine to leave alot left unsaid. But some things do need to be said to uplift to exhort to love and to communicate and just to have clarity and know you can speak.
Its sometimes easier to joke or be sarcastic than it is to be real.
I was on a phone call today alot of it pertains to my past and my childhood.
In the middle of that call as it was with someone I talked with just four years ago. I wanted to apologize for something that they found offensive then but they had forgotten. I didnt remind them exactly what it was. Why offend someone a second just so you can have a clear conscience, pretty selfish. So I chose not to remind them and said I am glad we are good then and will do my best not to offend again.
My friend went on to explain he had a heart attack and found himself getting a second chance. You see, he does lots of things to help others involunteering as well a paid job position too. We both were able to share that if we were not taking care of ourselves then we would not be able to help others.
My friend is still in the recovery process and it may always be that way for him just as much as it is me to stop the sickness in my own life and learning ways to be healthy and what most of us have dealt with in our lives which is the toxicity of what some call love. Family and friends both. We can end up with it from work or just allowing stress to build up until we burst. The trick seems to be prevention.
In my own life recently I found.for me it was about finally truthfully saying to God… I need you to be real to me and fix things that can obviously only be fixed by you. I didnt get to pick but He knew already.
I felt God whisper in my ear and felt Him rocking me and moving things inside me. He really was changing me in a matter of minutes. I found forgiveness to give and peace of mind and feeling loved. The next thing I knew, Saturday I was getting word by looking at an account that my check and finances were being at least worked on and secondly it said Monday but due to my banks rules everything was deposited Tuesday…at least my back rent could be paid on.
But let me back up. I had a chance to pick up someones wrong and I wanted so badly to show it to them. What I found instead was I had to forgive that wrong and keep moving. You may doubt my claims. Heck, a few weeks ago I would sincerely doubt them but this I know, Jesus loves me and they happened not because of who I am but Who He Is. When there is no other way He shows up Him by Himself !
Today Fathers Day is bitter sweet. Maybe its because I didnt make my own separate family. But my dad was old school you dont take on something you cannot support or live up to. He was very traditional and nontraditional in ways depending on the subject and object of his love.
I was at a bbq nine years ago on Fathers Day thinking I should be with my dad and feeling guilty I wasn’t there; Instead he was having a stroke which none of us realized. Later it would be he was rushed by ambulance after my mom and other family begging him to go to the hospital ;that man was a fighter!
He taught us grace independence love and cherishing those you hold dear.
He gave forgiveness.accepted forgiveness and never afraid to admit when he was wrong. He didnt dwell on stuff so much as he wanted to move us all along. Make no mistake, he’d fight for what was his.
His true loves were God and my Mom. If he had been here a little while longer I think they might have sailed around the world with a camera and professing The Word of The Lord. They would have been the real tarzan and jane maybe but as missionaries.
I cannot give tribute to my Dad without some going to my mom who kept the flow of getting things done going. We are blessed as she is till here on this side.God saw fit to give her another husband after years and devotion our dad and each of us.
Her new husband is an awesome fit for her and he is awesome to each of us. Its important to note this because regardless my mom would have moved on in life much the same way as she has. My dad cherished her so and her new husband does too.
My dad learned the temperance of Man of Authority and did his best to pass that on. Change is hard and sometikes even.harder to accept.
I miss you Dad. See ya soup, man!
So I am so blessed by friends family and God.
But heres the deal kind of estranged from family and friends.because even while it feels my life is just spinning wheels until I heal I am still very far from everyone.
I havent lost hope just mileage. I am laughing at some of.the shtuff(thats not a grammar error its my own word…stupid sh and stuff that make life tough). I have learned.to laugh at some of my stuff I have done.
But dont kid yourself I still cry over some of it because it is painful and no one can save me from alot of.whats happening. i jts hope I am not trying to.find.a.signal from one under.the bridge place to the next if something sets.me awry from upcoming inspection.
Anyway, we are hoping to push everything off til last week in June or July.
Right now it feels like I am just trying to switch sides on the titantic.
I am exhausted and.I am going to heal .
After struggling to read this chapter I got through it.
Aside from my wanting to take the author of this book
By the ankles and bounce his head on a curb it has only been difficult.
The constant struggle that inside each of us how to please God and stop sinning and realizing the only way is by humbling ourselves and yet when we fail because of.fallen nature and what we are taught we think we need.to make atonement which God provided for us through Jesus and they symbol for.that change is through the Holy spirit yet how can we change?!
It makes me want to scream what do I bring to the table? Answer is a.complete mess.
While reading the second part of third chapter last week I was very frustrated with the author! He makes me want to scream with the riddle of law and grace.
Never in reading a book have I ever wanted to throttle the author.
Then it happened! No I did not throttle the author the next riddle happened today… Faith and doubt! Oh boy! Do I ever have a can of worms there!
Let me tell you super preachers something right now dont discounting someone’s faith cuz they got a few doubts…thats a bunch a hooey and how dare you question someones faith when youre hoping theres enough funds to get you paid the next months!
I was talking on the phone when I realized how low I really did feel and trying to think how i could get this person proactive on their own behalf.
Suddenly, I realized what was wrong. I was letting them draw the box and by the parameters of this box they drew well you’d be lucky if lightning could hit it!
But yet thats what I have done even though I knew I couldnt make the parameters I have been letting others decide in some cases asking them maybe. This where the point drives home…remove the darn box God is for me and He will not moved by someone making lines and marks of parameters. So you tell others from now on God doesnt work in their box. After all some of the great men of faith didnt get their faith without struggling with a few doubts….so quit preaching that hooey! You have no idea what some have walked through to get to the point of faith they have today.
The law and grace goes in hand with faith in doubt all have fallen short.
But alot like mans laws: Go barreling down the interstate at 90 you may not get tripped up the first or even the fifth time but at some point you are gonna feel like you just threw bad roll at the roullette table eventually as you spend a little while getting the officer to write up your ticket if youre not sitting in a jail cell…
I guess the bottom line of all this is…God is not a respector.of persons but He knows where you are and He will help you through your walk it just may not be the way anyone has it outlined!
I feel so much better getting that off my chest!
I am now at the first part of the third chapter of the book: You Can Change by Tim Chester
The question is, “How Are You Going To Change?
What goes into a person is not so bad can even be good but what comes out of a person shows his true heart and is sin or wrong against that person in order for real change there must be a heart change.
We can make the lists and do rituals but change doesnt come until we see the true damage of our heart. Yes the damage is in our heart because what comes out is of the heart. Once the heart is changed which we cannot do by ourselves then true change can happen and its not just our behavior because change of heart becomes away of life.
A way of life.
Jesus said I am the truth,the way, and the life
Be blessed today
In most of the latest posts I have been describing my reading journey and what it means for me.
I am back to needing some physical healing and trying to get things covered and dealing with state offices has been less than joyful.
So here I am and I am armed with facts of remedies. I am also armed with knowledge of what has not worked.
As I read more on natural remedies, I just felt like God asked; Will you trust me?
As i read on these remedies many gifts in the biblical times were seasonings, fragrances, herbs, and such many of them are healing elements. They were expensive and hey they aren’t cheap today either.
But maybe cheaper than mosr prescriptions and doctor visits and such.
So while I continue to get coverage yes I am going to trust God in both processes.
I’ll have to keep you updated for now its about time to get into my quiet time. Praying for others wishing healing and love for all.