Nurse Visit

nurseSo Friday was a regular Nurse Visit Day. I am still healing very slowly so, it doesn’t look like my camping is going to happen. It makes me sad. I was able to see the difference with Prisma a wound healing agent that big pharma put 10- 15 k on for a value. My insurance doesn’t cover it.  I am not sitting on 50 k either so we use plain old collagen which helps but seems its only making it to a plateau.

My nurse though is pointing out the fact of color returning and inflammation gone down incredibly. I am looking better I just wish I felt better. I am not giving up.

I did get time with my therapist today and everyone should thank God for that mostly I should. I got opportunities to laugh at myself and the silent wars going on inside my head maybe fancied or they could be real.  I don’t have to give them free rent in my head any longer and this is a point where I can resume as if nothing is wrong. However, should you find it necessary to tell me whats wrong with me in a private message or openly I consider it an opportunity to laugh one more time.

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For The Strong Women I Admire


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Getting Unstuck…

So here in the past week or so since I have been able to calm down from almost since the beginning of 2014 being so  fouled up I have started to feel stuck and somewhat depressed.

It has been hard to even look at the things I normally feel passionate about. To get unstuck doesn’t mean waiting for someone to agree with you. You do what you can. Anything at all!

You have to keep moving; things don’t change standing still and doing nothing. Often for me avoiding sarcasm is as hard as it is for a  heroin addict to avoid heroin. I am having to stop and look honestly where I am and what goals are going to get me through the first phase of change and to stop looking for the monumental changes to be done already. Its the small changes that lead to the monumental changes.

Above all to keep calm, is maybe the best I can do today and that’s okay. The important part is not to give up. I am doing things to be proactive in my physical, emotional, and spiritual healing.

Its a step at a time.

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Midnight Hour Call

Its been several days since I have last written here.
Sometimes I feel so much to say and then also feel its fine to leave alot left unsaid. But some things do need to be said to uplift to exhort to love and to communicate and just to have clarity and know you can speak.
Its sometimes easier to joke or be sarcastic than it is to be real.

I was on a phone call today alot of it pertains to my past and my childhood.
In the middle of that call as it was with someone I talked with just four years ago. I wanted to apologize for something that they found offensive then but they had forgotten. I didnt remind them exactly what it was. Why offend someone a second just so you can have a clear conscience, pretty selfish. So I chose not to remind them and said I am glad we are good then and will do my best not to offend again.

My friend went on to explain he had a heart attack and found himself getting a second chance. You see, he does lots of things to help others involunteering as well a paid job position too. We both were able to share that if we were not taking care of ourselves then we would not be able to help others.

My friend is still in the recovery process and it may always be that way for him just as much as it is me to stop the sickness in my own life and learning ways to be healthy and what most of us have dealt with in our lives which is the toxicity of what some call love. Family and friends both. We can end up with it from work or just allowing stress to build up until we burst. The trick seems to be prevention.

In my own life recently I found.for me it was about finally truthfully saying to God… I need you to be real to me and fix things that can obviously only be fixed by you. I didnt get to pick but He knew already.

I felt God whisper in my ear and felt Him rocking me and moving things inside me. He really was changing me in a matter of minutes. I found forgiveness to give and peace of mind and feeling loved. The next thing I knew, Saturday I was getting word by looking at an account that my check and finances were being at least worked on and secondly it said Monday but due to my banks rules everything was deposited Tuesday…at least my back rent could be paid on.

But let me back up. I had a chance to pick up someones wrong and I wanted so badly to show it to them. What I found instead was I had to forgive that wrong and keep moving. You may doubt my claims. Heck, a few weeks ago I would sincerely doubt them but this I know, Jesus loves me and they happened not because of who I am but Who He Is. When there is no other way He shows up Him by Himself !

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Tribute To Gary (My Dad)

Today Fathers Day is bitter sweet. Maybe its because I didnt make my own separate family. But my dad was old school you dont take on something you cannot support or live up to. He was very traditional and nontraditional in ways depending on the subject and object of his love.

I was at a bbq nine years ago on Fathers Day thinking I should be with my dad and feeling guilty I wasn’t there; Instead he was having a stroke which none of us realized. Later it would be he was rushed by ambulance after my mom and other family begging him to go to the hospital ;that man was a fighter!

He taught us grace independence love and cherishing those you hold dear.
He gave forgiveness.accepted forgiveness and never afraid to admit when he was wrong. He didnt dwell on stuff so much as he wanted to move us all along. Make no mistake, he’d fight for what was his.

His true loves were God and my Mom. If he had been here a little while longer I think they might have sailed around the world with a camera and professing The Word of The Lord. They would have been the real tarzan and jane maybe but as missionaries.

I cannot give tribute to my Dad without some going to my mom who kept the flow of getting things done going. We are blessed as she is till here on this side.God saw fit to give her another husband after years and devotion our dad and each of us.

Her new husband is an awesome fit for her and he is awesome to each of us. Its important to note this because regardless my mom would have moved on in life much the same way as she has. My dad cherished her so and her new husband does too.

My dad learned the temperance of Man of Authority and did his best to pass that on. Change is hard and sometikes even.harder to accept.
I miss you Dad. See ya soup, man!

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Just Thoughts

So I am so blessed by friends family and God.
But heres the deal kind of estranged from family and friends.because even while it feels my life is just spinning wheels until I heal I am still very far from everyone.

I havent lost hope just mileage. I am laughing at some of.the shtuff(thats not a grammar error its my own word…stupid sh and stuff that make life tough). I have laugh at some of my stuff I have done.

But dont kid yourself I still cry over some of it because it is painful and no one can save me from alot of.whats happening. i jts hope I am not trying to.find.a.signal from one under.the bridge place to the next if something awry from upcoming inspection.

Anyway, we are hoping to push everything off til last week in June or July.

Right now it feels like I am just trying to switch sides on the titantic.
I am exhausted and.I am going to heal .

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You Can Change Chapter 3 Reflecting

After struggling to read this chapter I got through it.
Aside from my wanting to take the author of this book
By the ankles and bounce his head on a curb it has only been difficult.
The constant struggle that inside each of us how to please God and stop sinning and realizing the only way is by humbling ourselves and yet when we fail because of.fallen nature and what we are taught we think we make atonement which God provided for us through Jesus and they symbol for.that change is through the Holy spirit yet how can we change?!
It makes me want to scream what do I bring to the table? Answer is a.complete mess.

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